What We Learned From the 2013 Golden Globes

The Golden Globe Awards, the funner, drunker love child of the Oscars and the Emmys, were last night, and while most of the event followed the typical awards show script—tearful acceptance speeches, teleprompter malfunctions—a few moments stuck out:

1. Jodie Foster wants privacy and/or a talking stick that only dogs can hear: Perhaps the most memorable speech of the Golden Globes was Jodie Foster's acceptance of the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. She started humorously enough, with a reference to the "I'm 50!" SNL skit.

From there the speech took all types of twists and turns, as she pseudo-came out of the closet, spurred (later clarified) retirement rumors by suggesting that she would hold a not-sparkly talking stick that may be "so quiet and delicate that only dogs can hear it whistle," and made a plea for more privacy, confirming that she is not, in fact, "Honey Boo Boo child." The speech deserved its own lifetime achievement in confusion: Some raved about it, others were just flat-out confounded.

2. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are the best: Everybody knew this before the Golden Globes even started. By explaining their own drinking game for the show last week, Fey and Poehler had already made the 2013 Golden Globes 100 percent more enjoyable, Their opening number, in which they took shots at James Cameron, James Franco, and "the rat-faced people of television," had more laughs than the entirety of other awards shows.

Their antics continued, posing as nominees for the ridiculous-sounding fictional movie Dog President, canoodling on George Clooney's lap, and even getting Daniel Day-Lewis to do the E.T. finger. The one complaint? There wasn't enough of them. But if Ricky Gervais gets to host three Golden Globes, then Fey and Poehler should be allowed host the next decade of award shows.

3. Hollywood loves Washington: Show business has a crush on its uglier counterpart, as politically themed T.V. shows and movies won the Hollywood Foreign Press's accolades. Homeland cleaned up the best television drama, best actor, and best actress awards, despite an uneven second season.

Game Change won for best miniseries or motion picture made for television, and Julianne Moore, while picking up her Globe for her portrayal of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, thanked Katie Couric and Tiny Fey for making "a significant difference in the 2008 election."

Argo, about the Hollywood-State Department collaboration to sneak American diplomats out of Iran, won for best drama and Ben Affleck for best director. Former President Bill Clinton even made a cameo, introducing Lincoln, prompting the best Amy Poehler-Tina Fey riff of the night: "That was Hillary Clinton's husband." "Bill Rodham Clinton!"

4. The red carpet gets redder: Red dresses ranging from orangy corals to deep burgundies ruled the red carpet, with Claire Danes, Jennifer Lawrence, Zooey Deschanel, Marrion Cottilard, Jennifer Garner, and Naomi Watts rocking the hue. And the fashion don't of the night? The weird, doily lace worn by Sienna Miller and Jennifer Lopez.

5. Even celebrities get sick: Meryl Streep was said to have missed the awards show because she was home sick. ("She has the flu and I hear she's amazing in it," Poehler assured us.) Jennifer Lawrence and Hugh Jackman were also reportedly suffering from the flu, but that didn't stop them from picking up their awards for best actress in a comedy and actor in a drama, respectively. Do they not dole out flu shots in Los Angeles?